What about my hobbies?
Do I get any “me” time? *Insert meme about staying up late for “me” time and regretting it.
Almost every parent I know goes through somewhat of an identity crisis after their firstborn. All of a sudden, you don’t have the time (or energy) to do what you used to do anymore! Hanging with the boys for hours on end just doesn't seem too particularly productive and staying up late to watch a movie tends to carry heavier consequences than it used to. After a while, you and your spouse end up wondering, “what do I do for me?”
I want to offer you a shift in perspective and then just a couple of thoughts. Here’s the shift: parenting is also for you. Gary Thomas says in his book Sacred Parenting children are some of our greatest God-given teachers. Psalm 127 tells us that children are a heritage from God and that it is a blessing to have them! Going through life as if the act of raising children does not do anything for us is simply not true. I cannot begin to tell you how much fun I’ve had with my family.
Oftentimes, we feel like parenting is just give give give. You are a pitcher that constantly pours into your children, whether that’s physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. At some level, that’s true. Your child is completely dependent on you for all of those things for a LONG time. But, that is not the only angle to this relationship. You can choose to see that when you pour into your children, you are getting quite a lot back also. There are countless articles about the benefits of playing with your kids for both the parent and child. Playing literally plays a role in the formation of your brains! Stuart Brown, MD from the national institute for play says: “Our brains don’t stop evolving after our twenties. Play very likely continues to catalyze neurogenesis [growth and connections of nerve cells] throughout our lives. Dementia studies suggest that physical play forestalls mental decline. Studies show a relationship between continued use of puzzles, playful exercise, games, and other forms of play and resistance to neurodegenerative disease.” There’s evidence to suggest that play is extremely good for your health!
But it's not just play, is it? We don’t just spend all day playing with our kids. We do life, we go to the store, we cook and clean, do laundry, go to church, do ministries, and don’t forget about school! Getting married and having children changes everything. A friend told me recently that when you get married, God uses your spouse to chisel you into who He wants you to be and when you have children, God uses them as sledge hammers. I can’t say that I disagree! He has used both my wife and children to pull traits out of me that should be there. You could say, He refined me; pulled out impurities. It’s all a work in progress of course and the work is still ongoing. However, I would not be who I am today without the work God has done in me through my wife and children and for that, I’m thankful. I have been on the receiving end quite a bit as a father and husband, even though sometimes it can feel like it’s “give give give”.
As stated before, God literally makes us healthier people just by playing with our kids! Our characters are refined through simple interactions. We are challenged and given the chance to grow just by doing everyday things with our kids. You just have to have perspective to see. Change happens all the time. We aren’t who we were when we were 15 (Thank God for that!). What we don’t like is that we were forced to change, and pretty drastically at that. Getting married and having kids will change you and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just how it is.
Now, does that mean I have to change everything about myself? What about my hobbies? Can I still fish, play video games, hang out with the boys, etc.
Short answer: yes, you can still do all of those things.
Long answer: there’s a little bit of nuance here. I could spend hours talking about this, but just want to offer a couple of thoughts to jog your thought process.
If your hobbies are the primary source of your rejuvenation, I want to encourage you to re-evaluate your priorities. I’m not saying that hobbies don’t help you to feel good and rejuvenated, but you’re kidding yourself if you think that this activity (video games, fishing, football game) is going to fuel you to go back into the throws of leading your family.Think of it like filling yourself up with potato chips before an intense weight-lifting session. It’s not sustainable, even if it might work one or two times. You need to actually find rest in the Lord. Jesus said, “Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” That could mean numerous things: reading the bible, praying, worshiping, and other spiritual disciplines. The point is to spend time in The Lord. He longs to give you that time of refreshment. He longs to fill you with joy and peace, things that are a very part of His nature. You have to look for it in Him, not in hobbies that will ultimately lead to nowhere.
Games are fun, board game nights are exciting, fishing and hunting can be exhilarating, but do it for that reason: fun. That fun and reprieve can even be quite refreshing! But, don’t let your source of joy and peace come from only your hobbies. Even then, you know what? Hobbies change. Think about what you did when you were 15 and what you’re doing now. What we’re frustrated about is the fact that having children and family forces you to change some of those things very quickly. That’s fine, but you don’t have to stay unhappy about it. You can choose to change again!
My hobbies now also include hanging out with my kids, literally watching them play. I love going on walks with them, it truly is good for my soul! Sometimes, I even love going grocery shopping as a family…sometimes!
Do all the things you love to do (unless it’s sin!). Learn to love new things. Life is not just about pouring every fiber of your being into parenting. It’s about knowing and loving Jesus. In that process, some of us get to be parents. We get to be shaped as parents and through parenthood, we get to know God’s heart in a way that we didn’t know we could. Let’s love and embrace that.Find joy in that fact. Parenthood is not only one way to your kids, God is also using parenthood to shape you and to fill you with so many good things if you will let Him.
God bless.